we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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