Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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