i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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