My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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