Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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