omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
