please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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