Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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