she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
