I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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