Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
