Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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