Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
