he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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