He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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