I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
