I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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