i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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