i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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