If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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