im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
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