last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
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There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
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Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.