There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
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He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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