I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
