Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
