my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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