remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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