I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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