So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
