what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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