Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
