I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
