I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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