do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
