No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
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