I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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