I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I supernannyed him into submission
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
