I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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