so explain again why im purple
no
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
