these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
