I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
