Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
