her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
