if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
