Your face is a jimmy john
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
