I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
You need Xanax blowdarts
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
