Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
