the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
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