why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
