fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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