New low: just hacked my moms facebook
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
