we have pet lesbian snakes
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
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