He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
