I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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