When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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